Tag Archives: sad

Dear R.P.H. (Letter 5)

I’m transcribing a series of handwritten letters I wrote, but never sent. Read the previous letters here.

Dear R-

I want your opinion. I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to know if you felt about me at all. I want to interact with something real after what feels like three months of fake. How much did you fake for me? You know what? This is stupid. I shouldn’t even care. It shouldn’t even matter. I can’t stop myself. I sat there and had to say to myself again and again, “you left me, you don’t want me anymore. I shouldn’t contact you.”

That parting note, “talk to me anytime.” It was conciliatory. You didn’t mean it. It was a line. Do you have someone new? Is that why you left. It feels like you never talked to me first unless you were drunk. Why did your inhibitions have to be lowered to talk to me? Did I not tell you I liked you enough? Was this because I didn’t share? I can’t really share, it’s just not in me. Please don’t let that be the reason.

Did you think I wouldn’t go with you if you found someone new and better? You left me alone! You knew how much it means to me to share anything personal. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you’re the fool I always tried to pretend you weren’t. A high, drunk, fool, who rescued me anyway. No. I rescued myself. I just wanted a crutch, once in life. I’m whining now. To no one. I’ll never end this feeling. I hate you. I miss you. I’m lonely. I can’t stop staring at your picture. I’d bet anything you jacked off to mine.

You know, I know you did. You asked for the pictures. Did you tell me your fantasies on purpose? Was that an intimacy? Or were you bragging? Trying to impress me. Trying to put your will on me. I would’ve done it for you, you know. Just because you asked. God I’m pathetic.

I don’t have two feet to stand on. I look down and I’m surprised they’re there. I just wanted your time. This better not be that one great love I’m supposed to get. That doesn’t even make sense. I’m so weirdly superstitious.

If I wrote you now, it would be two lines – that’d be it. It’d have to be tech related too. It’d be short. I’d probably say, “hey, I’m thinking about you.” Or, “I thought about you, because.” Because I always needed a because to talk to you. I never just could. I was never strong enough. I could never just send you me. Though, you asked three times. I must’ve been so boring to you. You wouldn’t even recognize me now.

Maybe I’ll let you know if I’m back in your city in the spring. I’ll say, “let me see if we work.” You’d say, “God you’ve gotten fat.” You’d look at me like you didn’t understand. You never got me. You only liked me because I singled you out – of all the boys – I liked you.

We made together. Me and you. It made me better, did you know? I think you installed AE for me. Maybe that’s the nicest thing you ever did for me. Other than almost call me your girlfriend. The time you called me beautiful, you were lying. I know it. You know it.

Dear R.P.H. (Letter #4)

I’m transcribing a series of handwritten letters I wrote, but never sent. Read the previous letters here.

Dear R-

I want to talk to you so badly it hurts. I hurt. You did this. And it meant nothing to you. What would I say if I sent you a message? Love me. Please just love me. That’s what it would say. I looked it up. It was a month ago. That’s so long. I’m insane. I still shouldn’t feel this.

Dear R.P.H. (Letter #3)

I’m transcribing a series of handwritten letters I wrote, but never sent. Read the previous letters here.

Dear R-

Are you high, or can you talk? You know I used to come up with excuses to talk to you, but they had to be official so you wouldn’t know. I want to tell you right now – I’m crashing. I’m crashing. I can’t make it stop. I’d been doing so well. So damn well. What if I can’t stop it again? What, are you going to be there?

Dammit. I trusted you. Why am I so screwed up? It’s not fair. Why isn’t it fair? I want to be able to trust – not cling. Instead I’m just disgusting – clingy and disgusting. And I’m going to turn into my mother who doesn’t care and who’s fault it never is, if your feelings get hurt, when your feelings get hurt.

Dammit. You know what? I only ever liked one of your songs. The rest were crap. There. And you’re crap at explaining stuff. And you’d hate me if you knew me, as I do. I was myself with you, for a moment. Me. I don’t show it to anyone, not anymore. You rejected it. You got rid of me without a couple thoughts. And that hurts. It hurts so much. I don’t have anyone to be me with anymore. I’m facades all over again, you bastard. I almost got through the whole day.

You left me.  But, I want to be able to stand on my own. I don’t want to need to depend on people. It’s not fair.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Sixty-Three)

It’s one of those awful days where everything I do seems wrong.

I Wrote 10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 63

Poem 1:
You ask me to tell you when I’m upset
Then get mad at me for being
I’ve upset the whole dynamic
With my reactions way

Poem 2:
He looked at me
I knew he liked me
Double like
But I didn’t want him to
There’s something wrong with you if you like me
But I didn’t want him dating someone else
Because I thought he was mine
His eyes were mine
Even if I didn’t want them
I grabbed strength from his mine eyes

Poem 3:
He offers me money
I won’t take anything else of his
Not his words
So he offers what he offered
Had to give
That brother of his before he died
Using old patterns of what worked
For dependence
The old who gives
Becomes so magnanimous
Helpful like he should,

Poem 4:
The saddest thing I ever saw
Was the indifference of the listener

Poem 5:
I woke up and checked my wrist
The sore wrist
From my fall
To make sure it worked.
After the accident
I kept checking my shoulder
Adjusting to injury
That’s what it will be like when I’m old
Constant adjustments to slow

Poem 6:
I wanted to climbs trees when I was little
Get sap on my hands
Boundary break
But all our branches were too high
And I couldn’t go into those woods
The tree by the house grew dying
I flew airplanes with my outstretched arms

Poem 7:
She says if there’s one you like better
Even if it costs more
You should get it.
So she pushed her to buy a leather jacket
For some ungodly amount
Even though she wasn’t sure
She kept saying you’ll regret it
She lived to avoid further regret.
She made her cry
She didn’t have the money in her account
And the jacket left on the hook with resentment
Of the woman who pushes for her best in us all.

Poem 8:
We cleaned each other’s dishes
If they stood in the sink.
Point being, not to be nice to be owed,
But a nice to do.
With expected returned favor
Of your dishes washed.
We were all motherly.

Poem 9:
I told them I gave my roommate the apartment
For the night
They said, you got sexiled
What a term
For space given

Poem 10:
Make friends through
Chance repeat encounters of
No instant friends, only
Sameness seen repeated again
But if you don’t meet anyone
No chances to see again
To make friends.