Tag Archives: poems about moving back home

10 Poems (4-29)

i know, i’m behind schedule again. sigh.

We walked out of the restaurant smiling, with happy on our faces,
I’m thinking, no I can’t remember the last time that happened, not at all.
It was a good time.
But then I realized I was having a good time and ruined it.
You weren’t there. We got white cheese queso and had mock battles over the possession of salsa.
We were happier without you. And I was in a good mood.
No bows drawn back, no double meanings, did you catch thats,
It was just nice.
How sad it must be for you, no longer needed, now only tolerated till it’s done.

I teeter and wobble on the line between farcically melodramatic and temperate mundane.
I pull out big words when I’m uncomfortable. If I’m awkward at least they’ll know I’m not totally stupid.
But big words don’t mean thoughts, good thoughts,
Thoughts like, I’ll never be good enough as long as I keep thinking I’ll never be good enough.
Nothing profound.

I sit in the chair that seems lower than my knees, so I feel small.
He looks me over, tests my hooves, and my references.
It’s all great fun.
I want to say, I’ll do whatever you want, just give me salary.

I am a washing machine, no wait, hang on, hear me out.
I have cycles, cyclical, big word, did you see that big word?
I tell myself, I have to stop this, I can’t do this again. I can’t do this to myself again.
I shouldn’t. And then I do, I talk to him, and wish I hadn’t. I started it.
I say, I won’t do this again. I’ll take a break from him.
Then I don’t, and wish I had, because I rinsed and he responded.
And I felt a silly old rag fool.

Engrained in me are a few strings and shavings of stone.
They shore up every once in a while when I’m not looking.
You boil spaghetti in a big pot.
You give the three-fingered wave on two-lane roads.
You are polite to old people.
You bring a gift when you go somewhere.
Immoveable aspects of me.
I don’t know they’re there till something turns them wrong, and my whole me says,
No, stop, you can’t, it’s just wrong.
It’s probably why, even if I don’t “believe” I’ll bring my kids to church.
Because it is done. I must miss so much of life because of what I can’t see I can do.

You were born to be better than me.
Better in heart, soul, spirit,
Better at church, love, speaking, breathing.
But I got something you can’t touch, and it’s what will keep me in straight confidence.
I’ll never tell you when I figure it out.

I’m indecisive about whether I want a lover, one good friend, or a leader to follow.
I should pick one,
I should pick something to do, with a whole heart.
I want a braided tie to another something here around somewhere,
Maybe it’s time to look down toward my chest, touch my chin to my collar bone,
And find some passion.

I try to explain to him, Ryan, I mean, I’m trying to say why I’m friends with him.
I have an entire, a whole ethos, thing about being friends.
Is that odd? Of course it is, but I won’t be ashamed of it for you.
I think we can be friends and I can not like you.
I don’t have to think you’re great to get along.
We’re not soul friends, or good friends, or pound my chest brothers,
But we are good enough, and I like to talk to you.

I want a goat who votes,
He jumps over ballot boxes, and steel legged plastic tables
And crinkly red, white and blue paper table cloths,
Well those he stops to eat.
Then I can blame the goat,
And eat him, or freeze him, or get some cheese for my trouble.

I’ve never been on fire, not for a man or with cigarettes.
My mother would imply there was something wrong with me for it.
I never let myself have the chance to be really stupid.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (November 23rd)

Ok, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. I miss having a structure and a deadline to write poems. I really do. It’s like part of my day is missing. So I wrote more poems, off the top of my head. And I feel better about life.

I Wrote 10 Poems in 20 Minutes (7:09)
Day 11-23

Poem 1:
I’d like to think I’m good
A good person
Who does good
Well, I mean, I’m not sure anymore
I can’t find a good judge
Someone who’ll fair judge me
And say,
Yes you do good.

Poem 2:
I spoke to my sister today
In a way I haven’t in a while
We talked of all we’d loved
All we’ve had
All she’s loved.
Because she has that in her
To love, this man
She loves him.
I’ve never had that in me,
I’m not sure, it’s even there.

Poem 3:
And I couldn’t speak
Everything I said got dissected
Or told that wasn’t right.
So I held my tongue
In the grip of polite.

Poem 4:
She says to us
You could have said it this way
And it wouldn’t have been mean.
So I write that down
In my playbook, my list
Of the proper phrases I can say to my mother
But she keeps editing
To say
I’m angry with what you’ve said
So I’ll keep picking at you
Cross that out and only ask for my love this way.

Poem 5:
Find me sunlight and
I’ll show you shadow.
I will.
Find me good
I’ll turn it wrong
Just by titling my head
And saying look how the sun shining on us
Misses all those over there.

Poem 6:
What do I say?
To my father when he asks where my job is.
How do I bargain with peace for stillness
So I don’t have to explain myself.

Poem 7:
I haven’t seen it
You know
I never have.
My face from your eyes.

Poem 8:
He said, let me get a job
And we can flirt with the idea
Of buying you a plane ticket out to see me
He priced them out for me.
I’ll probably hold grudges against him in time.
Just give me time
And I’ll find fault in the hundred percent.

Poem 9:
I sold something back
For less than I paid for it
So in effect
I spent forty dollars on my birthday and
Got hassle.

Poem 10:
I want to know what I’d look like skinny
If I was thin
How beautiful I would be
I can almost see my bones now
Without the added weight.
Beautiful in mirrors with pinched skin
And drawn on lines
With perfect shades,
We’re artists of our faces.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Thirty-One)

I think anyone who reads my poems is pretty. Which, de facto means I’m pretty, which I was totally going for.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 31

Poem 1:
Six of us traveled up to the holler, mission trip
We couldn’t mission near us
We worked to stock the food bank, we did
This great big warehouse with shelves to the sky
They got a new shipment
Had us categorize and sort
It was green peppers from prisoners
They grew peppers
I just wanted to wash my hands
I thought one of them hid drugs or shivs in the plants
I convinced myself their evil would touch me
On what they grew
But if the ground grew for them, I guess
They’re probably ok

Poem 2:
She said you’re more animated when he’s not around.
Otherwise I’m a still life.
Which causes less drama.

Poem 3:
I can’t believe I did this
I, I wrote you
No I can’t even say it
I wrote you a love song
It rhymes and everything
I plucked out the piano keys
Recorded it for you
And rhymed love with thought of
Worst thing ever

Poem 4:
I drugged myself today with lack of sleep
Brain doesn’t work as well
It gives me permission to be silly
Without analysis
I smile

Poem 5:
Needed to use my body to move
I wore shoes without good treads but
I walked up this hill with tree roots and trail marks
Stood on the top of the king of the mountain
Saying I am the best in the world

Poem 6:
Heat on my skin from the outside
Been in the air, conditioned too long
I’ll miss this heat when green begets orange
But for now it’s just a place to avoid

Poem 7:
They won’t kill her yet
This dog, my dying dog
My brother he can’t bear to part
But she can’t hardly stand
He can’t hardly stand
So we’ll let her suffer for him

Poem 8:
How am I going to remember this summer?
What will be the memory I go back to
Or will it fall in line with the others
All blurred into general worry

Poem 9:
I won’t brush my hair
I will not make myself beautiful for you
That piece of hair is gonna stay there
I’ll muss it around without care
I don’t preen to be seen
My hair doesn’t care

Poem 10:
Well I saw Randy with another girl
Boy I always thought liked me
He looks better than
I wanted him to be
Made just for me forever

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Twenty-Six)

Twenty-six days, That’s double thirteen, perhaps today is unlucky. Perhaps I’ve gone mad.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 26

Poem 1:
I sat at the wobbly dining room table
For learning this small blue handbook of catechism
He asked me questions I’d often asked myself without answer
Then he waited for a response
What do you think this line here means
How does this fit with this
I had answers
But in my father’s presence
Thought they were wrong
I played dumb
Hid my face
Said I don’t know, and waited for it to be over

Poem 2:
He said you’re weird
I whispered you’re dismissive
I wanted to say, never call a person weird
For then you’ve shut out their point of seeing
And called how they view wrong by association
You wire them to think like you that way, horizon bound

Poem 3:
If, instead of hiding the pain of what just happened
We shouted it to every passer bystander
Today, someone told me I was hopeless
This morning, I got turned down for a job
Last night, I couldn’t think of a reason to live
I don’t think they’d care anymore than they do
Only so much room in a circle

Poem 4:
I had forgotten my manners
My filters for speaking to people I don’t know
Someone, so footballer who looked like he didn’t take off the pads
Asked me if I was doin’ good
Without thinking
I must have been tired
I said, to my shame, stuntedless,
Do you mean good in the metaphysical sense, or if I am healthy, or if I need help with what I’m doing right now?
He just looked at me
And said I like metaphysical

Poem 5:
She did not tell for impulse of shame
That she was barely hanging on
If she had said
I might have said
Grab my tree
Together we’ll swing

Poem 6:
Easter egg hunt inside the fellowship room where all the neighborhood in decline kids came
She set out little figures to color and decorate for those little ones, you know
She said out loud, in front of the mostly brown, that she was running out of the little white ones
She thought most of them would choose the color they were
She said that probably says something about the country
I went to find another packet of the little white people Christians

Poem 7:
He said I tell people they’re nice
Then they act nicer
I asked if that made them nicer or just acting like it
He said it makes them nicer

Poem 8:
Granma doesn’t know she’s lost it
People in their 80s you know, sometimes forget things
Where’s your Grandpa?
We won’t tell her he died again
It’s comforting to know that by then, I’ll have forgotten my brain is dead

Poem 9:
Geese quack
Back track
Wait I didn’t mean to say that
Chickens cluck
And slip up
Oops didn’t mean to say that

Poem 10:
I’d like to be somebody one day
Not today
I didn’t do my hair today
Make me important tomorrow
I want my face everywhere
Confirm I exist

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Twenty-Five)

Twenty-five days in a row of writing poetry in twenty minutes. My god. I should do something to celebrate or some such nonsense. I’ll do some sort of tribal victory dance.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 25

Poem 1:
I could be doing my favorite thing
But not care
I could be missing three fingers
But I would meh shrug
For the listlessness has overcome me
I could be caring

Poem 2:
I show you my heart,
Because you asked.
I pick up this squirrely strands, mismatched, slippery, falling
Shove them in your general direction and say,
This is who I am.
Because you asked

Poem 3:
I scare myself
What I would do if I really cared

Poem 4:
I want to wrap my arms around something warm
Hear another heartbeat
And not be scared
Not have to move.

Poem 5:
He won’t like me because you’re weird
That strange word for everything other
Encompasses all the others
Gives you an excuse to say no

Poem 6:
The wonderings forms me stronger
If I had done this it would be better
Makes us strength in memories in the past
Improves us now, so we can say we did
Kicks us to keep getting better
Not to accept the same
The hopeless say not what if, but when

Poem 7:
An old kindergarten paper with my pink paint smudged glitter hand print
In that kid like font on special printing
I put my now hands over the then hands
Not much growth

Poem 8:
When I get old
I’ll creak and crack
My mind will too
And I’ll forget to move my boundary in lines

Poem 9:
He wanted us to go in front and talk about our papers
I didn’t have a real argument
I didn’t want to stand
I cut class
So no one asked me to defend myself
What’s there worth defending

Poem 10:
Lemme explain to you why I won’t ask a guy out
I told him
I’m stuck in generations
The grandmas tell me never to cross your legs
The mother’s tell me not to depend
But they both stayed with their husbands out of understood duty
My dad opens car doors for me, so I pause at any frame
But no one’s asked me
No one told me
How to bat eyes, and spritz, or smile, or grind
And I can’t do anything without knowing it’s ok first
They just forgot to mention
Hell if I’ll ask

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Twenty-Three)

Daily quickly, written poems. Coming at cha twenty-three days in and counting.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 23

Poem 1:
My Dad told me the time
With a proud grin, sly
He once had me help bake a cake
By sitting on my Grandmother’s floor
Stirring batter as a toddler
He recalled with glee
How uncomfortable she looked

Poem 2:
I notice bravado
Thinking how
I could never show that much confidence to the skies
What if I was wrong

Poem 3:
One at a time or in clumps they all left
Give me a look that says
I’m probably not going to invite you anywhere
They don’t even think much about it I bet
But I do
Because they’ve all ignored me
Do I seem mad or something?
It must be something I’ve done that I didn’t know I did
Or me
It’s probably me

Poem 4:
I received an email transaction
Take my message and in return give me your words
He asked, are you depressed
I give him an unopened letter box
What to say to that brazen display of forced caring

Poem 5:
I’m going to die in the middle of this state
Never to have left it
Less than fifty miles from my growing up
Done nothing
Loved nothing
Hardly mattered
Why do I need to change?
Change my effect
Alter my conditions
Make a mark
Am I scared that they’ll forget me?
To go away?
Be nothing?
Maybe nothing’s better
I could get away with a lot more for nothing

Poem 6:
She told me
If you want to take an alternate course
You have to work really hard to make it work
I told her in my mind
I don’t have the strength

Poem 7:
I said to him I don’t want to get married
He said, oh darn
He said that’ll make some guy sad someday
No it won’t
If he loves me he’ll understand
He said I don’t know if I could understand

Poem 8:
My brain all by it’s lonesome walks down this narrow path all by itself
And look at all the options it finds
All those plans and paths of dirt and dust have so many trailings
Leading to ruin and something wrong
So instead I make a nice seat here at the fork
And eat for a while
Till something strikes my fancy
She calls me to do
At that point I’ll have to get up or get out or get kicked out
But for now, I cry in a ball with chocolate, here at my fork

Poem 9:
I’m not particularly fond
Of found out

Poem 10:
My foot fell asleep so I couldn’t drag it away fast enough
To avoid the chitter of the home early
Now I’ve got updates an inane and banal
Great, I’m so informed

10 Poems in 20 Minutes (Day Twenty-Two)

Twenty-two days. I made it to a palindrome number; how exciting.

10 Poems in 20 Minutes
Day 22

Poem 1:
I can tell you who we are all together bound by ages
We are the hopeless that you’ve groomed with flashing attention
You will live, have love, continual to live out the better life
Took if all for you
Didn’t leave any extra goodies or packets of bonuses for the
Unspoiled children you made from the accidental pill slippage

Poem 2:
Really, I found out by accident
I am an accident
Not supposed to be here, I guess
I understand why she tried to hide it for so long
She said no that’s impossible, I’m sure, once she missed
I became a last ditch effort then
To hold the other child together with the couple
Almost already sure to part
Look at all the love I was born into
Brightside, she kept me

Poem 3:
Dying dog update
We took her to the vet, except it’s a new vet that doesn’t look like a hippy like the old guy
She lost almost five pounds
A tumor near her rear that may present a problem
Or just bad arthritis
If dogs could talk

Poem 4:
Can you hold me, I said
Just for a minute
Empty elevator
Just us
He looked at me with worry
Once we fit floor eleven
I said I’ll be fine
And watched him step back

Poem 5:
She said I’m not trying to upset you
If I’m upsetting you it’s not on purpose
Never her fault, if we feel hurt

Poem 6:
A jungle painted on the walls of the staircase with green concrete steps
My sister talked as she walked I heard her
I ran up to say hi, to be in the area of the older
And she looked at me
Smiled that doting one
Kept walking and talking

Poem 7:
I held up my hand as high as I could in the auditorium because he was wrong
He called on me
All the way in the back
I yelled as loud as I could
That painting on the wall isn’t racist even though they’re burning a black man on a cross
He made jokes
The room laughed, the seat neighbors forgot I sat there
He used his power so he didn’t have to talk about the art, only joking
But he’s depicting a real event to teach us about this history here in W100
He dodged me off with
No part of his curriculum

Poem 8:
Can I put ribbons in my hair if I don’t brush it
They wouldn’t be looking at you anyway

Poem 9:
We played a dates game
He gave us an event
We said the time period
Closest wins
He doesn’t play it now that we’re educated
He might be wrong

Poem 10:
He’s knows I’m online
I’m sure of it
He checked his contacts
Saw green check mark
Checked for me
I want to talk to him
For attention
Paid just to me