Tag Archives: nine poems

Poems from My Day (7-21)

more to come

1:
They wouldn’t cross me, and they’re true.
I’m not friends with the wishy-washy people.
I’m friends with the weirdos.
And I don’t think you understand exactly what that means.
I’m the most traditionally stable of the bunch. We get stared at when we go out.
I won’t make the easy friend.
Not anymore,
My people contemplate suicide on a daily basis, and wax rhapsodic about why they stay alive.
They get tattoos of little hearts that say – “always keep fighting,”
They tell me they stay alive because they don’t want their families sad.
I’ve set up google alerts for their names, deceased.
My red-haired Paul Bunyan, I’ve been watching his twin sister’s facebook, waiting.
I’m friends with the people who will tell me how they’re really feeling, because they’re braver than I am.
Who tell me about their visits to the restaurant brothels of Thailand, who tell me more and more outrageous things, poke me with a stick, see how long it takes me to freak.
But they never judge me. They’ll tell me I’m stupid, that I’m not living up to what I could be, that I should try relaxing.
Thinking about it, the thing they have in common is that they’ve never given me that – you’re crazy look, the one that says – I don’t understand you, you’re weird to me.

2:
Okay Jade,
I figured it out,
You asked about my favorite book, and said I was just like your teacher because I fell in love with things. Now I remember being that age, and not loving anything, and being worried I’d never have hopes or dreams. But I do now.
It’s a book written by the same woman who wrote 101 Dalmatians
About these two sisters before the second war in England.
It was the first time I remember reading something I had experienced. It was so wonderful to see, to read, someone else explain exactly why I felt the way I felt.
She couldn’t bring herself to love the man her sister had her hands on before her.
And these were the silly problems, the problems you got to think about before all the men started dying again.
I couldn’t bring myself to love the man who loved my sister. I had that problem. Just like her.
I remember being just like her.
Just like someone for the first time.

3:
I think I have a dreams now,
I want my cabin in the middle of nowhere that’s within driving distance of a coke slushie machine, it’ll have a wrap-around porch and a rocking chair, and those thick, tapestry like throw blankets. And tea. Lots of tea.
And warm lights, none of these white, fluorescent things.
And I’ll do hospice work, and maybe take in foster kids. And I’ll have books piled everywhere. I’ll be able to make mistakes there. That’s what will be great.

4:
I think that’s true. I think people you can make mistakes in front of, are the best creative partners.
Who you know won’t mock you.
Or who will go along with you on your journeys. Those are the best.
Together, we do good stuff.

5:
I cried when I got the check my father sent me,
And cried harder when the post office lost the next one.
I get frustrated that I can’t qualify for benefits because I have savings.
Then I give up. And say I’ll just live in debt. It’s easier.

6:
I want to say to her, no,
I won’t be jerked around.
You want to be my friend, then be my friend,
Don’t waver in the wind like a pussy.
I’m tired of this.
I’ll give you allowances, here and there, and wiggle room for not knowing me, and feeling uncomfortable, but I have to be around people who are stronger than me, because I need the strength they give.
So, either be here when I need you or get out of my way.

7:
I do so many things poorly, and nothing well.
But if I spent all my time, and had one great accomplishment,
Someone would still do it better.

8:
They gave me a cedar rose and now my jacket smells like campfire smoke and cedar.
My house smells like campfire smoke and cedar.
He used to smell like gasoline.
My couch used to smell like vinegar and yellow Clorox wipes.
If my cold weren’t here I’d smell charred chorizo.

9:
My mother called on my birthday.
She did the thing I love, but have always been to scared to tell her I love,
In case she’ll stop.
She tells me stories about when I was a baby.
And it was just me and her.
About when I was born,
And how pretty I was, and how loved.
Every year it makes me cry, because I like to think of my mother as a person who only causes harm,
But she loves us so much. And sometimes she lets it show through.
And it makes me miss my mom.

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Poems from My Day (2-10)

i’m in a slightly bad mood today.

1:
It’s so funny, you know, we’re both trying to be so proper,
And once we let our guards down,
We finally speak the same language,
But it’s not the words or the intonation,
It’s the feeling behind it,
That finally made it through the muck.

2:
Why is it only the people who get support are the ones who ask for it?
Why don’t we support the quiet people.
They need it just as much, they’re just quieter.
Somehow it doesn’t seem fair.
My mom told me once, when she bought me dinner,
Fairness is really important to you isn’t it?
I didn’t know how to respond.
Typical.

3:
The Starbucks tax.
I should be able to deduct this.
It’s line item – the I need a place to work that isn’t here-
So I buy a coffee I don’t really want.
Sit in uncomfortable chairs, freeze any time the door opens and quietly sob.
My mom calls it the worker ant.
She can only work when she’s around other people who are getting stuff done.
When she was in law school she’d drive an extra hour to go work in the library because she’d be productive.
Huh. Why is it so frustrating that I’m the same why?
It shouldn’t be, but it is.

4:
A short note to Miss Pasta
It’s been a year, I thought I’d check in.
I got myself a job with hard-won skills after working for free for a few months.
Thanks for believing in me, but more importantly, telling me you believed in me,
That was nice.
I think it helped a bit.
I know I did it myself. But still, I’d like to give credit where credit is due.
I like to think I succeeded in part because you were nice to me.
Even if your job said you had to.
Also I probably should have told you about my panic attacks.

5:
About the boy I knew in high school who died of cancer.
You were a basketball star. You were tall, and handsome, and from a good family.
You were our first player drafted by a div 1 school.
From our tiny high school. You would dunk for fun.
You married a friend of mine, she wasn’t a good friend, but we got along.
She is best friends with your sister.
I didn’t really know you.
You would probably recognize me as a girl you went to high school with, but beyond that, nothing.
But you were an asshole to my friends, even if you weren’t 18 yet.
And you only got press because you were on the dream-run-team that made it to the march-madness finals one year. Golden.
And your wife was pretty, and you were pretty. Hometown goodness.
She started documenting when you got sick. It was terrible.
You died last week.
And all these people were up in arms.
I couldn’t find it to care.
Why are we supposed to care more about this guy? Because he could play sports.
Because he was big, and cool, and something of a lost star.
Why are you any different from all those other people’s family members who die of cancer?
Why are you asking me to care for you?
Because I went to high school with you?
Because you made noise in the news, because they said you were somebody?
But, wait, you say, it’s not my fault I got this press. Fine.
I still don’t think it’s right.
I’ve gotten yelled at for this.
with nasty looks.
Call me jealous, I very well might be.
But it doesn’t change the fact that the only reason you’re on the tv is because you could shoot ball. What about all those other families with babies in Riley? Why don’t they get money and coverage? Flat face. Flat reaction.
Sure I knew you guys in high school, sure it’s a shame, sure this city is really, in fact, incredibly small. And we like to come together to rally around something.
But couldn’t it have been something besides a sick basketball star?
This is a basketball state, no matter what the big football team tells you.
It doesn’t seem fair.
But I guess getting cancer and dying isn’t fair either.
You only get so much luck.
Poor sucker.

6:
Put a human face on PR disasters that helps.
Even if it’s snitching.
Post it on Twitter.
This is the intern who didn’t relay the correct node and took down the telephone lines for three hours on a Monday morning.
He didn’t mean to.

7:
I’m freezing cold in effing Starbucks.
Oh my god, my legs are so cold.
This conference call is going to suck. Why did ever leave my apartment?
It’s snowing. Quit opening the damn door.
Oh Jesus Christ, someone close the godforsaken portal to hell.
How is everyone else not shaking? It’s so damn cold.
That’s it. I’m putting my coat back on.
This has all been pointless.
Never before have I wanted a restaurant to be less busy. Stop coming in. Abandon your coffee. it’s two in the afternoon, you don’t really need it. Go away. Let me write in peace. Warm.
I’ve started irrationally hating every over-combed prick who comes in here.
And also insulting them for no good reason.
Someone stop me please.

8:
I love watching impatient older ladies get stuck walking behind two young women.
The old lady isn’t sure what to do or how to pass them.
They’re talking right next to the door.
It’s hilarious. She’s stuck with her blonde poof hair and serious business, non-fleece or knitted scarf.
Waddling around, racecar hovering side-to-side, trying to find a way past.

9:
Do people just randomly talk to cops?
This is so weird.
Oh my god this cop has the goofiest laugh.
And his laptop looks like it holds the business secrets of the world.
Or at least wouldn’t crack when he drops it chasing very serious suspects in suburbia.
I need to stop people watching.

 

p.s. i want an award for actually following my schedule for one week. see? new content monday – wednesday.