Tag Archives: christmas

Two Poems for October

because i couldn’t get out the other eight

1:
I miss you.
I miss the way you say my name,
Just that hint of accent still kicking around.
The way you would have helped me know what to wear on the first day of grad school.
And be quiet, when I needed, while I cried.
Told me about some new $300 kitchen thing you don’t need, a better version of my Midwest hand-me-down crockpot and crochet oven mitts.
Why couldn’t you have loved me as a friend?
Why couldn’t you keep me?
Why did you have to cut me off and wait for your feelings to go away?
Why did you have to do what I did to you?
Why couldn’t you have just put me first?
Even said there was potential to put me first.
So I could have stayed. So I could have loved. And gotten to ride in your car one more time.
Hear the gear shifts through the iPhone mounted to your vent.
Made you hike in the woods in your good shoes at dusk.
Made you laugh, and shake your head, and gotten distracted in a work meeting,
Just the once more.
So I’d feel like I still have my friend.
And I’d feel like I didn’t do something wrong.

2:
Please don’t kill yourself this Christmas.
Don’t do it for me,
For my entirely selfish reasons.
I want to know there’s someone in a worse place than me,
So I can feel better about myself.
I need that someone with a darker sense of humor,
So I can still be surprised by jokes darker than death.
I want to feel like I’m bad, but at least I’m not that bad.
I want that illusion that I can help someone who needs it,
Bring food to the needy, have a purpose, keep you alive.
I want to have that edge that says, yeah I have a suicidal friend, but I’m helping her through it.
How cool is that?
I don’t want to be the kid in class who has an edgy reason to be late on her chapter summary.
I want to hear more weird german words, to remind me there’s more to learn.
I want to hear your impossible to hear voice over the phone.
I don’t want another cause I have to take up because another one of my friends died because of it.
I don’t have that kind of time.
I don’t have time to grieve you this year.
Wait just a minute or two, okay?
I would have to meet your family at the funeral, and they sound like total assholes, who wants that?

It’s Snowed Up Here

photo of the road covered in snow showing the trees covered in snow

it was one of those times when you had to be there, because photos can’t do it justice

photo of a woman standing on a bridge in an alaskan winter

serious winter wonderland out there

photo of the mountain's trees covered in snow

it snowed. it stuck.

Our Blue Charlie Brown

photo of a blue ornament on a freshly cut pine tree for christmas

one of four ornaments on the damn crooked thing

photo of a small pine tree decorated for christmas

so we drove out the road with a hatchet and here’s what we got

photo of a candle in the window for christmas

so this is an emergency candle that we’ve stuck in bacon grease, then put in a tequila glass, then put in a bourbon glass, then put in the window sill. merry christmas.

Poems from 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve

i was up late last night

1:
So I’m human.
And I’m feeling stupid.
And I have decisions to make,
Big ones,
Like moving across the country ones,
I don’t know what to do.

2:
I use poetry,
When I can’t figure it out.
I use essays,
When I have something to say.
And I don’t write at all
When I have someone to talk to.

3:
I’ll never uncomplicate,
I’ll forget I was upset.

4:
I’m watching this for you.
You said it was good.
Then asked again if I had seen it.
I wanted so much to have something of yours,
Now I’m watching this for you.
This odd-eyed voice-over walk the city streets,
Maybe I would have liked it, if I’d found it myself.
But I can’t get over how much this isn’t meant for me.

5:
I can’t take a photo today.
I’m not seeing it,
The different way of looking,
The way that will make it better.
I keep clicking and deleting
Waiting for one thing good.

6:
I’m listening to the songs I always hear.
They’re a comfort when they don’t change.
It’s why I dislike live music,
Something can go wrong, with what I love so much,
Just, exactly, very much, perfectly
How it is.

7:
I forgot how frustrating it is.
To be around someone who wishes you were different.

Poems from My Weekend

really these should be called poems i wrote a sunday afternoon but scheduled for later
1:
Dammit there was something I was going to say.
It was going to be good –
The best –
But I didn’t write it down.
“I’ll remember.”

2:
Every once in a while,
I come across a word I’ve never written.
I check the spelling – I check the placement of the “e.”
I wonder how it is I’ve never written that before.
I determine to write more.

3:
I met an old friend from college
With her advisors and the other two-year, grad students.
God, I’ve missed being around smart people.
Who will push me,
And not mock me for knowing too much about something they don’t.
God they weren’t trying to sell me anything, it was lovely.
They didn’t care about me –
and told me so.
God it was marvelous.
And he dismissed me once I told him I wasn’t going back to school.
God I love that – that ignorance of the practical necessities of every-day working.
Oh, the majesty.
I miss being told I’m stupid. I miss not having a reason to learn.

4:
I want to start over.
I want to have the know I have now sometime else.

5:
I’m never sure when the fears I have will continue, “for the rest of my life.”
My back hurts –
My ribs ache –
My knees creak –
I’ll always be alone.

6:
My mother always says, “in the grand scheme of things.”
To give herself perspective. Like,
In the grand scheme of things, this decision I’m making right now isn’t important.
“And I just don’t want to ruin it for the rest of you.”
“I don’t want your memories to be bad.”
She seems fixated on the idea,
The importance of memories,
And not ruining them,
Like,
Somehow,
That will heal the old ones.

7:
I interviewed and said I was good with people.
Then proceeded to be awkward for twenty minutes.

Instead of Going Back Home

drawing of a girl in a cape and hat

i tried to imitate the style of the Christmas cookie tin drawings, meh. she looks sadder than i intended