i was up late last night
So I’m human.
And I’m feeling stupid.
And I have decisions to make,
Like moving across the country ones,
I don’t know what to do.
I use poetry,
When I can’t figure it out.
I use essays,
When I have something to say.
And I don’t write at all
When I have someone to talk to.
I’ll never uncomplicate,
I’ll forget I was upset.
I’m watching this for you.
You said it was good.
Then asked again if I had seen it.
I wanted so much to have something of yours,
Now I’m watching this for you.
This odd-eyed voice-over walk the city streets,
Maybe I would have liked it, if I’d found it myself.
But I can’t get over how much this isn’t meant for me.
I can’t take a photo today.
I’m not seeing it,
The different way of looking,
The way that will make it better.
I keep clicking and deleting
Waiting for one thing good.
I’m listening to the songs I always hear.
They’re a comfort when they don’t change.
It’s why I dislike live music,
Something can go wrong, with what I love so much,
Just, exactly, very much, perfectly
How it is.
I forgot how frustrating it is.
To be around someone who wishes you were different.
really these should be called poems i wrote a sunday afternoon but scheduled for later
Dammit there was something I was going to say.
It was going to be good –
The best –
But I didn’t write it down.
Every once in a while,
I come across a word I’ve never written.
I check the spelling – I check the placement of the “e.”
I wonder how it is I’ve never written that before.
I determine to write more.
I met an old friend from college
With her advisors and the other two-year, grad students.
God, I’ve missed being around smart people.
Who will push me,
And not mock me for knowing too much about something they don’t.
God they weren’t trying to sell me anything, it was lovely.
They didn’t care about me –
and told me so.
God it was marvelous.
And he dismissed me once I told him I wasn’t going back to school.
God I love that – that ignorance of the practical necessities of every-day working.
Oh, the majesty.
I miss being told I’m stupid. I miss not having a reason to learn.
I want to start over.
I want to have the know I have now sometime else.
I’m never sure when the fears I have will continue, “for the rest of my life.”
My back hurts –
My ribs ache –
My knees creak –
I’ll always be alone.
My mother always says, “in the grand scheme of things.”
To give herself perspective. Like,
In the grand scheme of things, this decision I’m making right now isn’t important.
“And I just don’t want to ruin it for the rest of you.”
“I don’t want your memories to be bad.”
She seems fixated on the idea,
The importance of memories,
And not ruining them,
That will heal the old ones.
I interviewed and said I was good with people.
Then proceeded to be awkward for twenty minutes.