I’m sorry I haven’t posted.

It’s taken all my courage to post this today.

I’m not doing very well. I haven’t found a job. I was staying with my mother and her husband, but I couldn’t take it anymore. So I took up my sister’s offer to stay with her down south.

I can’t stop beating myself up. Because it is all my fault. I’m not working, I can’t support myself, and I feel like I don’t have anyone.

I can’t tell you how many poems and essays I’ve started and haven’t finished. Only to add it onto the pile of things I can’t do right. I can’t even post on my blog on the days I say I will.

I feel like I am wrong. Like there’s something wrong about me. And on the days it’s too hard to take, I try to just make it through, which isn’t enough to pay for food.

If I get on my feet again, I’m hoping I’ll write more.

I can only say I’m sorry. The phrase I get told not to say. The phrase I’m told I say too often. Like somehow an overabundance of apologizers will bring down the world.

I also feel fat, because I am fat. And I think the kids from my island gave me lice. Which has nothing to do with anything, but has everything to do with it all.

Love

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12 thoughts on “I’m sorry I haven’t posted.

  1. Sylvia Karingada

    This breaks my heart; when you feel sad and lonely and when you say you feel like you don’t have anyone. Please don’t. You are a very creative and brave person- it must have taken a great deal of courage to write this. You have a whole group of friends, all across the world, who have your best at heart.
    You will do fine in your interview- be confident!
    We probably live half a world across from each other, but still, sending you love and virtual hugs. If you ever want advice or just to get a different perspective- please feel free to drop an email.

    Reply
      1. wolkenbeobachterin

        great to hear from you, great to hear, that you are doing fine. don’t ask too much of/from yourself, take your time, trust your inner knowledge. all the best and good luck for the jobs. best regards and wishes from germany.

        Reply
  2. sjvernon

    Hey… I don’t go on about it most of the time… but I’ve been living with my sister for a few years now. Before that I was living with my father… helping take care of him until he passed away. So… I’m right there with you. It’s tough to get back into the regular work force if you’ve been out for a while. One of the things that keeps me going is trying to be creative and write and draw things for my blog. Sometimes that is harder to be inspired to do than others… but I always feel better when I do, because it’s productive work. When nothing is going right, I can at least look back on things I’ve created and be proud of that.

    I eat a LOT of Ramen… and drink a lot of water… so my diet is a lot different than it used to be when I was in a better state of being. I empathize quite a bit more with your situation than I wish either of us was in a position to do! Hang in there.

    Reply
  3. Lily

    Take all the time you need, sometimes the mind needs to rest. The fact you continue stepping forward shows a lot of strength – and that’s just what I wanted to say – that you are strong, courageous and definitely not wrong at all. I really enjoy your poems because there’s a lot I can relate to. I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from your words.

    You have our support!

    Reply
  4. pengenie

    There’s much about you that’s right…your generosity in sharing your creativity when you can (and it’s okay that at times we can’t, go with that ebb and flow with self kindness, the universe may have you focused on other things for a time)…your bravery in exploring the world – out there and also in yourself…your resilience (even if you don’t feel it right now).

    I get the fat thing. Best thing I ever did was say f*ck it, I am fat and stopped worrying about and chose to focus on my health and wellbeing…more time in the water, more time lying on the grass looking at the underbelly of a tree canopy…waiting patiently until I started to work out what really matters and what I really want and what path to therefore walk…it’s been a journey and I think sometimes on the journey we’re made to pause and sit in “the wilderness” until the next part of the journey, and ourself, take shape.

    I hope knowing others share some common experiences and feelings helps you feel loved and connected. Sending big hugs as your journey continues. And if reading helps, try Tara Brach’s radical acceptance (her podcasts are awesome too) and Clarissa Pinkika Estes’ women who run with the wolves xx

    Reply
  5. wolkenbeobachterin

    Hello there, beautiful you, don’t worry about not-having-posted-poems-on-your-blog. Sometimes in life it is like that – we would like to do, have, get, write a.s.o. something, but it doesn’t work. And somehow it’s strange, that, just in those moments/time someone out of the blue jumps into the scenery and puts more weight onto you. It’s creepy.
    You are not shitty or something like that, because you are going through hard times now. At the moment it seems the universe wants to look into and at yourself and listen to yourself. Allow yourself to rest for some time, listen to your body and your mind. Do not listen to the others who want to take from you, what you cannot give at the moment.
    Ask someone for help or support. Speak nicely to you, support yourself by going into nature, do some exercise, do yourself well, be kind and nice to you, treat you like your best friend.
    You can do it, although it might not feel like that right now. You are strong. You are beautiful, also if you are without a job, without anyone, without poetry a.s.o.. You are beautiful. It will get better, it might take some time and actions, but it will get better. Help yourself too. And be kind to you.
    I can recommend you the daily videos of Ralph Smart. He is great and full of love.
    https://ralphsmart.com/
    All the best from Germany to you and a huge hug. You are worthy, don’t forget.
    Take care and all the best. Thank you for your posting. Have a nice day.

    Reply
  6. talesbytink

    My friend Sal has this to say about how she used to feel so so shit sometimes she would cry on the floor. ‘One day I saw myself on the floor crying, and instead of berating myself for being shit, I wondered what a friend of mine would do. I realised she would be kind to me, and give me love, and a hug, and just let me cry and say it was okay.’ She got out of a serious depression by discovering that. I can only offer this to you because I can’t pick you up off the floor by way of distance.

    Reply

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