Poems from My Day (2/25)

it’s been a long week

I’m not sleeping.
This is bad.
I hate routine, but it appears I need one to function.
Without it, the days start blurring together,
I have trouble remembering which memories come from dreams,
And which thoughts come from the day.

I miss him.
I’m awake at 3:30 a.m.
And I miss him.
Because I would talk to him when I was awake at 3:30 a.m.
I miss him in all the ways I don’t during the day.
He let me tell him what I was scared about,
And told me I’d be ok.
Then he’d tell me about his latest kayaking trip with the Unitarians,
My red-headed Paul Bunyan,
And his nose would scrunch up when he’d tell me to shut up,
After teasing him over a plate of cold fries and cheese in a little plastic cup,
At Steak n’ Shake,
At 3:30 in the morning.

I’m nervous all the time,
It’s what keeps me going,
The fear, I’m doing it wrong,
I should be doing more,
I’m not doing it fast enough, good enough,
Because I’m not strong enough.
My Mom used to call it the Puritan work ethic,
Why haven’t you gotten this done yet?
You’re such a disappointment.

You’ve got me all figured out,
Wolf-brow told me once when I saw him in a different class.
He was sitting with a girlfriend who looked like she’d never
Thunk a thought in her life.
But I shouldn’t judge.
That’s why he found me interesting, I think,
Until he figured me out.
I just like to laugh at people. He said.

I’m looking down deep in my heart, soul, whatever
To find something to share with you guys.
It will tell you who I am.
But I can’t find anything.

I can’t do anything right.
How many people have thought that thought?
I want to be good at just one thing.
But I should have started practicing already,
And I’d be good by now,
It’s all my fault.


16 thoughts on “Poems from My Day (2/25)

  1. The Bioman

    🙂 It is the end of all things equal and the start of things better and better now we know that Hil will be taking the place of BO in the Whtiehouse (I presume) and that means another four years til the Democratic Primary where you, my Dear, should be the next candidate!

  2. memadtwo

    Ditto #1…except it doesn’t matter if I’ve slept or not. Did this really happen or did I just think about it happening or was it part of something I read or did I dream it…? Like that, all the time. (K)

    1. Olga

      It does matter if you sleep because if you don’t, that’s where the out-of touch feelings with “real’ time happen. We all need to grounded in some form. Wish you well.

      1. memadtwo

        I don’t know your age, but no one I know who is older sleeps well. But I don’t think that’s the real culprit. Maybe it’s partly age, but I’ve always experienced it. Maybe it’s being too much inside your own head. I just read Patty Smith’s “M Train”, and she captures this malleability of time and events really well. Back to the old question: what is “real”? I would bet your experience of the world is totally different than mine…

        1. Olga

          I’m 62 years young. My sleeping patterns have definitely changed through the years. Some nights better than others depending on as you say “being too much inside my own head” will make sleep difficult. Concerning the malleability of time, I try to practice staying/living in the moment instead of in my thoughts. The moment is the real reality, everything else is thought. The past can’t be changed and the future is malleable and its possibilities can only change from the perspective/action/ thoughts/ creations of the moment. Totally agree that everyone’s experience of the world is uniquely individual, yet there are underlays of commonality because we are all human and living in this time period of the world. The philosophy of what is “reality” is really interesting especially in researching extraordinary/unusual phenomena that is unexplainable and requires faith or personal experience. As someone wrote, the whole world could be an illusion of our own creation. Ha ha! Nice chatting with you. You simulated my thoughts while I was typing in the moment.

          1. memadtwo

            Thanks also for sharing your thoughts…life is strange and wonderful. I am unable to live in the moment except when I’m absorbed in making something…in fact, I’m unable to ever get from A to B in a straight line, let alone control my world that much. But I admire those with better discipline! One of my daughters has it. A gift that passed me by. Still, it’s good we’re all different I think.


Replies, Responses, Thoughts, or Comments?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s