it’s been a long week
I’m not sleeping.
This is bad.
I hate routine, but it appears I need one to function.
Without it, the days start blurring together,
I have trouble remembering which memories come from dreams,
And which thoughts come from the day.
I miss him.
I’m awake at 3:30 a.m.
And I miss him.
Because I would talk to him when I was awake at 3:30 a.m.
I miss him in all the ways I don’t during the day.
He let me tell him what I was scared about,
And told me I’d be ok.
Then he’d tell me about his latest kayaking trip with the Unitarians,
My red-headed Paul Bunyan,
And his nose would scrunch up when he’d tell me to shut up,
After teasing him over a plate of cold fries and cheese in a little plastic cup,
At Steak n’ Shake,
At 3:30 in the morning.
I’m nervous all the time,
It’s what keeps me going,
The fear, I’m doing it wrong,
I should be doing more,
I’m not doing it fast enough, good enough,
Because I’m not strong enough.
My Mom used to call it the Puritan work ethic,
Why haven’t you gotten this done yet?
You’re such a disappointment.
You’ve got me all figured out,
Wolf-brow told me once when I saw him in a different class.
He was sitting with a girlfriend who looked like she’d never
Thunk a thought in her life.
But I shouldn’t judge.
That’s why he found me interesting, I think,
Until he figured me out.
I just like to laugh at people. He said.
I’m looking down deep in my heart, soul, whatever
To find something to share with you guys.
It will tell you who I am.
But I can’t find anything.
I can’t do anything right.
How many people have thought that thought?
I want to be good at just one thing.
But I should have started practicing already,
And I’d be good by now,
It’s all my fault.