i went to my old high school to watch my brother’s christmas concert
I want to be an old woman with
The old woman’s afro of pale hair
So that I can sleep through this terrible Christmas performance
And not have to care.
These are my insecurities.
You can’t have them.
They don’t exist.
If I don’t tell them to you, and you don’t notice.
Please leave them alone.
They’re fine where they are,
Where they’ve always been.
Please don’t fix me.
Praying a phone battery dies
Yes. I’m praying my mother’s phone battery dies.
So that she stops recording. And flashing.
It’s a common complaint.
I could say, it’s her experience, she should live it how she likes,
But I want her to do it my way, and like it.
And really, I just don’t want to be here.
I’m going to go through my whole life
Like this boy on stage who doesn’t want to be there
Who doesn’t want the attention
Who wants to say his lines,
Then get off
And take off the elf hat
And have no one ever notice him again.
I’m going to go through my whole life apologizing for being alive,
With my spotlight on myself.
God I miss singing Christmas carols,
It’s almost worth going back to church for the month of December,
It’s just so much damn fun
Singing songs you already know with people who know them just as well as you.
It’s a community you have that you don’t have to work for,
It’s already there.
Have you ever been in a moment when you know you’re going to remember it later?
I’m there right now.
Trying to figure out
Where to live,
What to do,
What routines to set up,
But I’m still not sure what will last,
And what will matter in a week,
That I only gave a passing glance to today.
I sit next to a man who types too loudly.
And encroaches on my space a bit.
And has too much beard and not enough neck.
If you give me the truth without any apologies or meanderings,
But just how it happened,
That’s the best of the best.
I’ll know you, if you do that.
Belittle me all you want from your position of power.
I have no say in the matter,
Make me feel small,
Make me feel useless and incompetent,
Go for it.