Losing Filters: Thought for the Week (6/10)

We are ourselves only when we forget. It might only last a minute, but I’ll forget I’m not supposed to slouch and rest my boobs on the table. I’ll forget not to toss my head back with my mouth open and laugh. I’ll forget not to point my finger at the person across the table. Then realization will come, like remembering two steps after I walk out of the house I’ve forgotten my keys. I’ll say, “wow this isn’t like you.” It’s so sad to recollect, I’m not being myself. I have to sit up straight again. I see the same self-catch in my brother. He’ll let go for a moment, and be the little kid I remember who used to eat mashed potatoes with his fingers and not be self-conscious about his bulk. He’ll tell me a story he hasn’t recognized as embarrassing or inappropriate. And I love him for it. I have to be careful, then, to keep him in that crooked-shoulder state, and not become my mother. She would make you remember instantly. “It’s so nice to see you smiling again.” That’s what she’d say.

It means, I can’t control when I get to be myself. I can’t consciously turn the filters off. What happens when I don’t turn the filters back on? I think that would be the true test of strength in myself. If I ever became confident enough to not hold back my tongue, oh God the filth would fly. It’d be fun to watch, from a spectators standpoint. I would be a god to myself.

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14 thoughts on “Losing Filters: Thought for the Week (6/10)

    1. some bad plankton Post author

      I find the worst is when it’s gone off, I’ve called everyone I should call, and there’s nothing I can do. It’s like, dear world, why won’t you let me fix this!

      Reply
  1. ptsdmeandthebitsinbetween

    Love it! I do the boob thing too lol … But i dont apologise now, or straighten up… my kids roll their eyes, but they laugh too. They can appreciate the honesty, and its freeing for them…to be themselves. My partner isnt so appreciative…he comes from a family where the projected fake smile, is everything. Hes slowly coming round though. So, go on, let rip!! If its anything like your writing, it’ll be brilliant!!

    Reply
    1. some bad plankton Post author

      Well, aww, shucks, that’s nice of you to say. The fake polite smile is a hard one to un-learn, I speak from experience. It still pops up when I’m not expecting it. Like in the middle of a crowded concert, I’ll be like, “excuse me,” while fake smiling, it’s terrible.

      Reply
      1. ptsdmeandthebitsinbetween

        Your welcome – and yes apparently with the fake smile thing, and I imagine it’d be hard not to bust out the odd faky in a crowded place!! That, or scream? … My daughter says, “its polite to fake smile mum … then the other person thinks you don’t want to hurt them” LOL! Where did she get such wisdom 😉

        Reply
          1. me

            btw…I thought I didn’t do the fake smile thing, but, I’m horrified to admit – I busted one out this morning when the neighbour said hello to me over the fence…omg, may have to a wee bit of reflecting! …. I hope the cheeks are feeling better today 🙂 < that was a genuine smile

            Reply
            1. some bad plankton Post author

              Have a genuine smile back at cha. The fake smiles are spreading! We need protection to stop this massive and terrible plague. Quick, someone call Silvia Plath she’ll make us right sad.

              Reply
              1. me

                I had to google Silvia Plath [I ‘m not a literary genius], and there’s a nice big pic of her fake smiling it too…maybe that’s why she took her own life?! But it knocked the fake smile off my mug though 😉

                Reply
                1. some bad plankton Post author

                  I too googled it. Pardon my misspelling of her name too! Oh man, that’s a bad fake smile! Poor woman had no idea when she took that photo people years later would be commenting on her lack of genuineness.

                2. me

                  Thank goodness for Google 🙂 … as far as fake smiles go, she’s definitely sporting a good’in … I guess though, and to be fair, for her era, it was totally expected!

  2. Daniel Boshoff

    We must all teach ourselves to forget, then. I’ve always found that in the long run I’ve developed deeper relationships when I have approached them with the filters removed (all but the most basic ones like ‘don’t shit on the floor’ and its kin). People – people who are not already lost to the maze of social decorum – will always appreciate your true colours.

    Reply
    1. some bad plankton Post author

      Maybe. Most likely, yes for personal relationships, but not professional. But, I know for sure, that my bluntness hurts feelings. I think someone might be able to appreciate being open, but it doesn’t come without its own set of consequences.

      Reply
      1. Daniel Boshoff

        But do you not think that if we were all simply straight with one another communication in general would come more naturally, more easily? Your bluntness, rather than hurting feelings, might be seen for what it is: honesty untempered by a polite avoidance of your own true opinion. Unless, of course, your bluntness is meant to offend . . .

        On the other hand, I suppose one could argue that it is these ultimately meaningless social graces of ‘lovely to see yous’ and ‘my, you’re looking spiffing todays’ that keep society from ripping its own throat out . . .

        I guess one must find the balance that fits one’s own lifestyle. But choose early: if you have made your friends based on a facade applied to please others you will likely find yourself short of companionship when the apocalypse comes and we are all forced to reveal our true nature 😉

        Reply

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