i wrote this raw in about three minutes flat. i thought you should know.
I’ve had a realization, I have
My mother isn’t a supremely good mother
The problem is that she’s always said she’s a good mother
But really, one the face of the thing
She never made time for us
And it makes a certain amount of sense
Her mother would say to them
Do you know what I’ve given up for you kids
And my mother determined to never do that
So she hasn’t
Instead she’s been absent
That’s all right
But it’s not good
And she insists that she is good and all she does is good
But really, not really
She wasn’t there
And I can’t tell her that because she’ll feel guilty
And I hate when she feels guilty because it comes out as anger toward the person she’s near
That person would be me
And I don’t want her continual anger over a long period of time
You cannot correct her
You live with her ways or you mutter silently and keep your head
I needed more time
She gave me light and water and food but no presence
And left me alone
I’m no good alone
But now I’m used to alone
So I’m accustomed to being miserable and there’s no way around it
I have to get out of this house.
She will berate you
Then tell you to talk
Then criticize what you say
Then argue with you that what you said was wrong
Then tell you what you should have said instead
Then get mad at you for not speaking
So I try not to talk
And get yelled at for being taciturn
I’m building a nest of venom in my mouth
And I’m worried that what I’m holding back will turn into normality and I won’t be able to speak my mind articulately ever again
She doesn’t notice what people need or remember that she did indeed have three children. You do not make time for me at the end of your day.
I give you time. Freely. I am not an obligation.
To be made to feel as though seeing me is another thing on a checklist is degrading.
It’s saying I don’t want to see you for you
I want to see you because I must.
I have a duty to fulfill and you’re it.
I have to get out of here.
That’s what she wants from you a remission of guilt
Indebted to her
So that you wait for her
And she gets to hold all your strings
And pulls whichever one will get her what she needs at exactly the right moment
If you don’t, well, then, of course that’s fine