May all your sunlight be cold. May all your spices have no flavor. May all your calls be dropped. I hope that all your flowers will be dandelions. It will be that all your roofs leak. All your blankets will have static. All your water will be salty. All your shoes squeak. All your breath smells of coffee. The train will go by just as you fall asleep. The sun will never leave your eyes while driving. Your nails will always chip. Your tea will always be cold. Your pancakes will always burn. All your fruit will be sour and filled with worms that stay and wiggle in your stomach. All your sweatshirts will lose their strings. May you be so fortunate that your pot takes five minutes longer to boil. Your showers switch to cold without warning. Your sheets are filled with bread crumbs. You cannot see the beauty of color. All your pencils are dull and your pens run out of ink. Your soda spills on your keyboard making all the keys stick. You get speeding tickets for exceeding the limit by five. May the bridge wash out your hopes. May you never see the flowers. May you crush earthworms with your bare feet and have to wash them off wiggling. May your scalp always itch. May your neighbors always quarrel. May your headphones conceal no sound. May the mice find your home lovely. May your computer take an hour to reboot. May your alarm wake you up late. May an eyelash always be in your eye. May your fingers be blistered with cold. May your balms be filled with chili powder. May your mascara run with sweat. May your tasks be ever the same. May your word escape the tip of your tongue. May you relive a thousand vanished sneezes. May your lights always flicker. May your work be lost, unsaved. May your heart be as cold as winter. I hope that your forehead will be as wrinkled as an old linen suit. May you never find anything at Goodwill. May all your novels have the last page ripped out. May all your bacon burn. May all your eggs be runny. May all your chocolate be tinted with berries. May your confidence evaporate in times of need. May your voice shake during presentations. May your eyes glaze over during your favorite part of the movie. May your vision blur when someone smiles at you. May all the smiles given you be turned into sneers. May all your enemies collect. May all your rivals rise. May all your dreams be forgotten in dust. May you always be surrounded by the smarter and pretentious. May your soda lids pop off. May all your water bottles leak. May all your friends be trolls. May all your shows be cancelled. May all your characters prematurely die. May all your unled lives be better than your own. May all your fans blow hot air. May all your fridges fail. May all your soups condense to paste. May you never find a signal. May the words you’ve looked up be instantly forgotten. May your happiness only precede a fall. May your dementia take hold early and your caretaker be forgetful. May you forget you fondest memory. May you never achieve that which you hope for. May all your floors creak. May all your necklace clasps break. May you lose one earring from each of your favorite pairs. May you only find one shoe. May your shoelaces never stay tied. May you lose your favorite music so that you can never hear what once you loved. May you ever feel as though there’s something you’ve forgotten. May your videos always be loading. May your dog’s leg always shake. May your nail polish never dry, and stick and smudge all day long. I hope that your arms become a frail as a grandma’s.

            May your formatting never be saved. May the print always be too small. May your glasses always be slightly out of focus. May your head ache with congestion. May your favorite shops be closed to your business. May your speakers always surprise you with volume. May your cat only scratch. May your clouds only be gray. May your eyes never sparkle. And may your heart never soar. May your feet stay planted. May you be uncomfortable in all situations. May the bank lose your cash. May the curses come true. May you be forced to adhere to your promises. May you only walk on crab grass. May your picnics only be attended by ants. May your parties be dull. May your conversation be mundane. May your insults all be trifling. May your anger never be expressed so that you go on your whole life unable to speak your mind. And may you find yourself alone at the end of each day because your bitterness has forever parted you from company. May all your pants be a size too small. May all your workouts be for nothing. May all your students find you boring. May all your worries turn to be true. May you switch the letters of all your passwords.

            May you never have felt kindness so that your heart is never at home. May your straws always have holes so that you have to slurp. May all your coasters stick to your glass. May all your sunsets be blocked by trees. May all your drinks be spit in. May all your plates have chips. May your exulted hero see you at your worst. May all your jokes fall flat. May you suffer sadness and grief for every killed insect. If you were a king you would lose your kingdom. Should you have all the world, you would live in an old hut. Should you have all the clothes, your laundry would still be stained. Should you eat at the great buffet of life you would only choose the salad. May your hands be veiny and dull. May your beloved be bald. May your children be angry and misbehaved. May your temper never settle. May your heart never be full. May there always be something coming in your side vision. May you never recall the words to songs.

            May your singing only sound good to you. May your voice always break before the note you want to hit. May your doors always swing open to the rain and racoons. May your windows never fully shut. May you never comprehend the true meaning of the conversation. May you have the wit of a toddler and the subtlety of a rhino. May all your plans unravel so that you talk to only yourself. May your deepest secrets be revealed to those whom they concern. May you always be accused. May you find cold shoulders from those you would turn to for help.

            May your lights always be slightly dim. May yours stars be hidden by clouds. May your dog think you second in command. May you only catch onto things after they’ve been popular. May your realizations only come in dull waves, too slow and too late, and unremarkable. May your fingers never be able to turn the page. May your truths ring false. May you feel your invisibility.



5 thoughts on “Curses

      1. Periodically Demented

        And you did it very admirably. I’ve always thought you can’t rely on some people to know they’re shit, so it’s important to help them understand. You’re very charitable. This should be a public service announcement, along with free slaps for those who need or would benefit from them.


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